


I'm Not Angry (Anymore)

by inpurifyingflame



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-13 06:11:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1215604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inpurifyingflame/pseuds/inpurifyingflame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin's stress as king and as a husband are slowly harming his marriage to Bilbo. References to heavy drinking, gambling, verbal abuse, possible physical abuse (it doesn't happen, it's one line) and a lot of apologies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Angry (Anymore)

**Author’s Note:** Thank you to everyone who commented and enjoyed my three pieces in the Journey Trilogy. Your support is amazing! So this work is a songfic but not technically as it is more based on a song rather than going line by line in the lyrics. This story is based on Joey by Concrete Blonde and I felt like writing some angst. This disregards pretty much everything at the end of The Hobbit.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything that I’m writing, nor do I wish to profit from it. It’s all just a bit of fun from a sleepy Australian girl. All mistakes are mine.

**I’m Not Angry (Anymore)**

Bilbo was awake despite the late hour of the night. The bedroom door was still ajar and flames from the fireplace danced upon the wall at the entrance. The bed was cold; Thorin’s warmth usually keeping him comfortable at night but that had changed since the wedding and subsequent coronation as Thorin returned to full duties.

Bilbo’s eyes traced the patterns on the ceiling, images depicting the ancient history of the dwarves until he could no longer stand the torment. He pushed the sheets off his body and stood up to pull his dressing gown over his sleep clothes. Bilbo tentatively walked towards the bedroom door and pulled it further open.

There was Thorin asleep in his armchair with glass bottles littering the end table as well as the floor. Bilbo sighed and got to work.

“Oh Thorin,” He mumbled as he pulled the blanket from the top of their couch and tucked it over his husband.

Once Bilbo had ensured his husband was still sleeping soundly he began to tidy up. The bottles went into the cupboard and would be replaced tomorrow. Thorin’s half eaten dinner was left out on the table so Bilbo scraped the rest into the waste barrel and washed the plate before returning it to the cupboard. He straightened the set of papers that had been next to Thorin’s dinner and added more wood to the fire to ensure Thorin remained warm throughout the night.

Bilbo returned to his marriage bed which had become even colder. He kept his dressing gown on and pulled the covers up to his chin. He looked at the ceiling once more, begging someone above to give him the peace of sleep.

He didn’t notice his eyes grow heavy.

 

* * *

 

Thorin had felt Bilbo place the blanket over his body and heard him clean up their chambers before returning to bed. As king he didn’t like to show any emotion but as a husband he couldn’t help but let out four single tears before he moved to brush them away.

The past few months had been hell for Bilbo and Thorin knew it. He was deep in negotiations with other races throughout the realm in regards to treaties and placement of protective guards in Middle Earth and as such he had abandoned his role as a loving husband to his hobbit.

Thorin pushed the blanket off his body and stretched out before standing and walking into their bedroom. Bilbo was asleep albeit restlessly and Thorin shed his clothing before climbing into bed beside him. Bilbo’s skin was like ice and Thorin pulled the cold hobbit to his body to share his natural warmth.

Bilbo let out a snuffle in his sleep and turned over so his body was facing Thorin’s. Thorin smiled and brushed some stray curls off Bilbo’ forehead.

“I’m sorry my Bilbo,” Thorin whispered, kissing Bilbo’s forehead.

“I know, I’m not angry,” Bilbo replied, his voice heavy with sleep and Thorin entwined his fingers with his husband’s as they both drifted off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Bilbo and Thorin were enjoying their evening walk through the mountain, paying their goodnight visits to their relatives and friends who were still about.

“Tell me about your day,” Bilbo requested, squeezing Thorin’s larger hand.

“I was in negotiations all day with the elves, you know that,” Thorin replied and he wished Bilbo hadn’t asked him.

“Was anything decided upon?”

“No, they’re insufferable.”

“Thorin, they can provide relief for us on the western borders.”

“I know that Bilbo,” Thorin said, using his free hand to rub at a pain that had started in his head.

“And the fact of the matter is that I am a friend of elves,” Bilbo said, “I don’t understand why you can’t put rivalry and old grudges aside for the safety of the mountain.”

“No you don’t understand,” Thorin growled, “Leave it Bilbo.”

“I understand more than you think,” Bilbo said and pulled his hand out of Thorin’s grasp, “I understand you don’t want me in the council room despite going on that godforsaken quest to reclaim _your_ mountain.”

“That quest is why we’re standing here,” Thorin replied, his temper flaring up.

“If you would remember I nearly wasn’t here thanks to you,” Bilbo said coolly.

“Bilbo,” Thorin said warningly.

“Why can you not just let me?” Bilbo asked, his voice growing bolder, “Gods Thorin I have some knowledge and business about these matters that could be of help.”

“It’s none of your business!” Thorin roared, “You’re just a hobbit and have no business in the matters of dwarves!”

Bilbo shrunk back, the insults hitting his body harder than they ever had and Thorin’s eyes closed. The dwarf’s body relaxed and he opened his eyes to find tears welling up in Bilbo’s own. It was quiet for a moment before Bilbo spoke.

“I am sorry to interfere. You’re quite right.”

Thorin exhaled, “No my Bilbo, I shouldn’t have lost my temper. I am sorry.”

Thorin held his arms open and Bilbo walked into them returning the embrace offered. Thorin, being slightly taller, pressed kisses to Bilbo’s head before simply holding his husband tight.

“Shall we go up to our rooms?” Bilbo finally asked, “I think we both need a good rest.”

“I agree,” Thorin said quietly and followed Bilbo up to their chambers.

Their hands didn’t touch for the remainder of the walk.

 

* * *

 

Thorin was in a jovial mood that night, making his way up the paths that led to his chambers and he sang one of the songs Bilbo had taught him during their courtship.

He pushed the front door to the rooms open and despite trying to be quiet he let the door slam shut. Bilbo had dozed off in front of the fire and was jolted awake at the noise.

“Heavens Thorin, do you want to wake up the entire mountain?” Bilbo asked and Thorin stood like a faunt after his first time sneaking down to the Green Dragon.

“Much fun Bilbo, you can come one day,” Thorin said with a big smile.

“Where did you go Thorin?” Bilbo asked though he dreaded the answer.

“Just a social gathering,” Thorin explained, his words slurring.

“With a mountain of ale I imagine,” Bilbo said, scorn evident in his voice, “Every time you do this I look after you but tonight I can’t handle it.”

“Bilbo,” Thorin said and turned his voice to a whisper, “Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins. Master Baggins Burglar you are most … pretty.”

Bilbo flushed but took no notice of his heart that pounded with Thorin’s compliments. The dwarf was drunk and it took a lot for one of his kind to do that considering their tolerance for any drink such as the one Thorin had been ingesting.

“Thorin go to bed,” Bilbo said firmly and started walking the dwarf to the bedroom, “It’s all yours for tonight. I’m going to stay in different quarters.”

“Don’t leave me Bilbo,” Thorin whimpered as much as a dwarf could, “Love you.”

Bilbo’s heart wrenched, “Go to sleep. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Thorin collapsed in a heap on the bed and Bilbo watched over him until he was snoring. He tightened the knot on his dressing gown and walked from the rooms, down the corridor and up the two flights of stairs to another set of apartments.

Bilbo knocked heavily on the door until he heard voices stir. The door was pulled open and he took one look at Dís’ confused expression before breaking down with a heart breaking cry.

“Oh my dear,” Dís said and took Bilbo into her arms, “What’s happened?”

Fili and Kili stood behind her and looked shocked at Bilbo’s outburst.

“Uncle?” Kili asked and Dís shushed him.

“Boys go back to your bedrooms,” She said, “I will look after our Master Baggins.”

The boys bid the pair a good night and did as their mother bade. Dís

“I’m sorry, I’d rather not talk,” Bilbo said, “I just wondered if I could ask for a bed for the night?”

“Of course,” Dís said and led Bilbo to one of the spare rooms with a made up bed and facilities, “If you wish we can talk in the morning.”

“Thank you,” Bilbo said and sat down on the bed, “I can make the fire.”

Dís nodded and excused herself, shutting the door behind her. Bilbo sat with the candle flickering in the dark before lying down and curling up on himself. He let the tears fall one by one. A wrench would take his heart and he would let out a shout of anguish before letting out another stream of tears. By the time the candle had worn down sounds echoed up to the room letting him know that the mountain was awakening.

When Dís saw him the next morning she gave him a look of pity, “Oh Master Baggins.”

“No worries,” Bilbo said with a forced smile, “I have cried out all my anger and misery and I am feeling much better.”

“My dear Baggins,” Dís said, “You may be feeling better but you look just terrible. Did you sleep?”

“No but I’m not feeling tired, I promise,” Bilbo smiled at the kind dwarf and was reminded of his caring mother.

Dís was not satisfied with the answer, “You come back if you need rest or anything else.”

“Thank you,” Bilbo said nodding as he slipped out of the door.

 

* * *

 

Thorin was not in their chambers when Bilbo arrived back but there was a note asking for a discussion later than day. Bilbo crumbled the paper up and threw it into the fireplace. He moved into the bedroom and dressed before starting on breakfast. He planned to spend the entire day in peace in one of the mountain’s gardens.

That was where Thorin had found him in the afternoon. The dwarf’s head was still pounding with the after effects of drinking too much ale and he had been shocked when he woke that morning without Bilbo. Thorin had brought Bilbo two muffins from the kitchen.

“This makes up for nothing,” Bilbo said as he ate one of the muffins, “I’ve forgotten to eat since breakfast it seems.”

“That’s not like you to forget your meals,” Thorin chuckled and Bilbo shot him a dark glare, “What’s the matter?”

“You left the note about having a talk so perhaps you should talk,” Bilbo said, finishing off the last muffin.

“Okay,” Thorin agreed, “I wanted to know why you weren’t with me this morning when I woke.”

Bilbo’s mouth dropped open, “Thorin you came back to me drunk last night. I put you to bed.”

“I don’t remember,” Thorin replied honestly, “What happened?”

Bilbo stood up, “I’m sorry but we can’t talk if you don’t know what you’ve been doing.”

Thorin searched his memory, “I went down to the mock tournament last night at the tavern.”

“Did you place a bet?” Bilbo asked and Thorin nodded, “Did you drink?”

“I had a few ales with my kin,” Thorin said, “I wasn’t drunk. It takes a lot for a dwarf to become drunk.”

“You obviously had a lot.”

“Bilbo, I’ve had a lot on my mind,” Thorin tried to explain, “With the work Erebor needs to rebuild and the treaties I’ve had to re-establish…”

“Oh I know all about that,” Bilbo snarled, “You are either buried in work or buried in drink and gambling to forget about work! What am I supposed to do?”

“I … I don’t know,” Thorin said.

“Anything I do is just not good enough!” Bilbo shouted, tired of miserable answers and Thorin fell into silence, “I try my hardest to work with you in your matters, to help you share your workload but you refuse!”

“I just want to make you happy,” Thorin said, “My matters are mine and nobody else’s. You have better things to do with your time than sit in on council meetings and sort out papers.”

“I’m not happy,” Bilbo replied, “And you’re not happy either.”

“Things will settle down,” Thorin said, refusing to acknowledge Bilbo’s truth.

“I thought you would be happy when you reclaimed your precious mountain but that didn’t happen!” Bilbo spat, his anger rising, “Then you started courting me and I was convinced I could make you happy but I was oh so wrong about that! We married, we consummated our bonds and I thought you would be happy! Then I was crowned your consort and everybody thought that would have made you happy!”

“I was happy!” Thorin shouted back, “You’ve made me happier than anything!”

“Apparently I don’t, not anymore than gold or peace treaties or gambling or your bloody rule as king under the mountain!”

Thorin stopped and took a breath, “Bilbo I love you.”

“It’s … not enough,” Bilbo said with a sad expression, “I’ve given you more love than I thought I was capable of but I can’t anymore.”

“Bilbo, no,” Thorin said quietly with a hand stretched to touch Bilbo’s shoulder but Bilbo flinched back.

“You scare me Thorin,” Bilbo said, finally expressing what he had been feeling, “Sometimes I think you’re going to use your size to overpower me and all I have are my words.”

“I would never…” Thorin trailed off looking shocked.

“Sometimes,” Bilbo said, “I think we weren’t meant to be. I never meant to be with you after all of this. I just fell in love with you where I shouldn’t have. I was supposed to take my share and go back to Hobbiton. Maybe love is just not enough for those plans to change.”

“No,” Thorin breathed, “No Bilbo, don’t say this.”

“I have no intention to change you,” Bilbo said, tears slipping down his cheeks, “You went through the power and gold and you fought through it. I was there for you and I still am when you take trips down to the treasury but I never once tried to change you.”

“I know you didn’t, Bilbo…” Thorin tried to say but Bilbo cut him off.

“Then I think I changed you into something else though,” Bilbo said looking miserable, “We had the battle of five armies, the fight to rid you of gold fever. What secret war are you fighting now?”

Thorin was lost for words. His head pounded and here stood his husband who he would love forever. What had gone wrong?

 

* * *

 

Thorin sat in his favourite armchair, the one directly across from Bilbo’s own chair which had made the journey to Erebor to be with its owner. A letter was clutched in his limp hand informing him that Bilbo had gone to visit the elves for a while. There was no indication of when the hobbit would return, _if_ he would return at all.

He left the note on their shared breakfast table and went on his way to begin his work for the day. Tours were given of the newly constructed mines and he was told they were nearly ready and nearly safe enough for dwarves to work. Thorin conducted further meetings with visiting envoys and he had a large pile of papers to go through to confirm deals that had been made.

Thorin was rubbing his temples, sitting at the head of the table in the council room when his sister walked in. He was really quite lucky to still have such related dwarves still alive. Dís was not smiling as she walked in but she gave the required greeting as a subject would to a king. Thorin noted her greying hair was styled in the way Bilbo had once shown her and she wore the shawl given as a gift from his husband.

If Thorin could feel any guiltier he would.

“I thought I would see to you before you headed down to the tavern and participated in any bar fights,” Dís said, sarcasm coating her words.

Thorin felt the words hit home, “I deserve that.”

“Yes you do,” Dís said as she sat down on Thorin’s left side and took one of his hands in her own, “Thorin what happened? Can you tell me as a brother would to a sister?”

“I don’t know.”

Dís straightened her posture, “Well then, as a king telling his troubles to a loyal subject?”

“No,” Thorin said and corrected himself, “I will talk as a brother to my sister but I cannot tell what I did. I am living with the guilt, isn’t that enough?”

“Apparently not,” Dís muttered, “What are you feeling?”

“I feel guilt and agony over losing my heart and soul, my entire world. Otherwise, when that has a break I feel numb.”

“He hasn’t left you,” Dís said comfortingly, “Not entirely.”

“He went to the elves,” Thorin grumbled.

“He has not returned to the west Thorin,” Dís said, “That is all you can wish for at the moment. He is with the elves, safe and possibly a bit happier.”

Thorin turned away from Dís’ gaze and let his eyes fall to the stone floor, “I hurt him. I swore to him I would never again hurt him after the… episode on the wall and yet I did. I cannot tell you why but it was never intentional.”

Dís put a finger under Thorin’s chin and lifted his head to meet her eyes, “What do you feel right at this moment?”

“I feel torn,” Thorin said, his voice catching, “Between Erebor and Bilbo; between being a king and being the husband he needs.”

“You mean the husband he deserves?”

“Exactly,” Thorin replied and Dís smiled at her brother.

“There will only be one lifetime for Bilbo, should he spend it in sorrow?”

“Erebor needs to be rebuilt. My life needs to be dedicated to my people. But then I think I need to dedicate my life to my husband.”

“Erebor will be here for many more generations and there is more than one dwarf who can help you,” Dís said patiently, “Bilbo has one life and you know he will return to The Shire if he finds too much unhappiness here. Do you want to lose him?”

Silence fell as Thorin contemplated losing his husband and the tears came swiftly. He had spent many moments over the last months with red eyes as evidence of crying but Dís could not recall her brother ever shedding tears in front of anyone but Bilbo.

“How could I do that to him?” Thorin asked, looking pleadingly at his sister, “How could I cause him so much grief that he would return west?”

Dís kissed the top of Thorin’s head and touched his shoulder with a comforting hand.

“You have answered your own dilemma. Write to him, bring him home,” She said and with a nod of her head she took her leave.

Thorin sat in the council room until the last embers of the fires had burnt out. The darkness allowed his head to clear.

 

* * *

 

Thorin sat at his desk in his study. He looked at the piles of papers littered around as well as the few pieces that had been scrunched and thrown to the floor. Thorin would only send a letter that would properly explain what he had done and if he could rightfully ask forgiveness.

For the life of him, Thorin could not find the right words until he looked up at the portrait of their wedding. Bilbo had been wearing dwarf clothing but they had been shaped to match his figure and stature. He had looked absolutely beautiful.

_Dear my Bilbo,_

_I would never forgive myself if I had sent you back to The Shire in all your unhappiness._

_Bilbo, my love, I would do anything if I could only see you smile. You can ask the world of me and I would give it to you and only to you. I would abdicate my throne in a heartbeat if you asked me and I would never look back._

_You have not changed me, you found my true self. I have slipped back into old habits which I thought I was rid of after I found you. I have overworked and found solace in the wrong places._

_Bilbo I ask your forgiveness. I will not ask you to return to Erebor if you do not wish for that but I will be filled with this torment on my heart until the end of my natural life._

_I wish to hold you in my arms once more, to see you smile and laugh, to see you in your garden and to see you in our marriage bed._

_You said love was not enough. It’s enough for me to live and hope._

_Yours, Thorin_

Thorin watched as the letter was sent with an envoy to Mirkwood and he felt one tiny glimmer of hope that Bilbo would accept it.

 

* * *

 

Bilbo rode to Erebor with one intention. He dismounted his pony and ignoring the shouts of his guard, he ran into the mountain. His feet sounded hard on the stone floors as he navigated the hallways to the council room. Bilbo naturally thought that Thorin would be in meetings and he burst through the door, giving many people a fright.

“Sorry,” He apologised, “Thorin?”

Thorin was sat at the head of the table and heard the familiar voice, “Bilbo?”

Bilbo pushed through the crowds who outnumbered the amount of chairs in the room until he could see Thorin. Thorin stood up so quickly his chair flew backwards and landed with a thud on the floor.

“Thorin,” Bilbo breathed and ran to the dwarf.

“Hmmmpff.”

That was the only noise Thorin could make as Bilbo launched himself into the dwarf. Thorin instantly held the hobbit to his body and inhaled the familiar scent of his husband.

“Perhaps we will take our leave,” One of the envoys said politely and the room slowly emptied.

Bilbo pulled back, his cheeks flushing at the thought of what he just did. Thorin had once expressly forbidden him interrupting council sessions and it had been the source of many arguments but Thorin could not give one ounce of care.

“You came back,” Thorin said, stroking Bilbo’s face.

“Yes,” Bilbo said and looked around, “Could we go to your … our chambers?”

“Of course,” Thorin said and they made their way up.

Once in the sitting room, Thorin sat in his armchair and motioned for Bilbo to stand in front of him.

“You came back,” He repeated, “Gods you came back.”

“I never officially left.”

Thorin bowed his head so that his hair hid his expression. Bilbo wondered what had happened while he had been away before Thorin spoke.

“No more Bilbo,” Thorin mumbled, “No more.”

“What?”

“No more,” Thorin repeated and looked up at his hobbit, “No more ale. No more late hours. No more anger. No more sadness.”

Bilbo looked at him, his eyes wide with surprise and Thorin knelt down in front of him, “No more Bilbo. I swear it on our marriage, on your happiness.”

“You are forever apologising.”

“No more of that either,” Thorin said and Bilbo let out a soft laugh, “I promised you the world and you shall have it.”

Thorin was pulled up and squeezed into Bilbo’s embrace and he felt satisfaction at those familiar arms around his torso. Bilbo was weeping into Thorin’s clothes.

“You scared me,” Bilbo said, his voice muffled by fabric and he didn’t need to elaborate as Thorin had scared him through actions and words.

“I know my sweet hobbit, I know,” Thorin said, “No more.”

They remained in that embrace for a few moments.

“Bilbo, are you okay?”

“No,” Bilbo’s voice came though it sounded heavy, “Would you abdicate your throne for me if I asked?”

Thorin’s heart pounded and he released the hobbit with a thoughtful expression, “I said I would if you asked. Fili is my heir, he would take it. Am I to take this as you asking?”

Bilbo looked horrified, “No Thorin! This throne is your birthright and is part of who you are.”

“But it’s causing more harm than good,” Thorin said and added, “Well not for the kingdom but for our marriage and _you_ are more important. I don’t want you to feel sadness or anger.”

“I’m not angry. Not anymore,” Bilbo clarified, “We just needed time apart and I think that hurt us more than we had hurt each other.”

“I’m so sorry Bilbo,” Thorin replied and Bilbo shook his head.

“Stop apologising,” Bilbo demanded, “If you were hurting then so was I. We said some horrible things to each other.”

“And I regret them all. Perhaps I need to begin talking to you and listening to what you wish.”

“I only have one wish,” Bilbo said and Thorin gestured for him to continue, “You said Fili was your heir but he is nowhere near ready to rule. Start his official training as your heir, give him some of your workload. Kili too as I am sure they will not be apart in those matters even when Fili is crowned king and Kili remains prince. That will relieve pressure on you.”

Thorin didn’t even consider it before agreeing, “You’re right. You’re always right.”

“Not always,” Bilbo laughed and Thorin relished the sound, “Should we discuss anything else?”

“One thing,” Thorin said and Bilbo looked confused, “You said you never meant to fall in love with me. Do you mean that?”

“I never meant to fall in love, no,” Bilbo said and smiled despite Thorin’s frown, “But I did and I never mean to give that up. We were lucky to find each other through that mess those years ago and I’m not quite ready to close the door on our chapter yet.”

“Yet?” Thorin asked, the Durin cheekiness creeping into his facial features.

“Thorin?”

Thorin picked Bilbo up and Bilbo wrapped his legs around Thorin’s body. Bilbo pressed his lips to Thorin’s and they shared their first kiss in weeks. That night their bodies came together once more as the dwarf and the hobbit renewed their physical vows. Bilbo lay on his stomach and played with Thorin’s messy hair while Thorin traced patterns on Bilbo’s side.

“I love you,” Thorin said, “That’s enough for me.”

Bilbo rested his head on the side so he could look at Thorin, “I love you too and that’s more than enough for me.”

**A/N:** I was in this sort of mood and had the song on repeat.


End file.
